Awesomeness. xD

So i have one funny weak habit. well everyone does right? yea mine’s backing off. too effin easily. been hving this prob since high school. back in form 2 i had this hugeeeee crush on a senior, n fyi, i met him first. we were pretty darn close n my girlfriends knew him too. n all of a sudden, one of my girlfriends fell for him. n she swore to me she wasnt in love with him till i told her i’m not in to that senior anymore, n only THEN, she told me she’s in love with him. n guess what? i lied. i lied to her that “i’m not into him anymore” just so that she’d feel free to share her secrets again to me bout this ‘new crush’ of hers. n i lied again, telling her that i’ve moved on n it was okay. n i let her take away my crush n feel good bout it. n like i said, i met him first. before any of my girlfriends ever did. sigh.

So that was in high school. n then finally i got myself a bf n it lasted for a good 2 years n 2 months. n then that dude died. he got himself a brand new gf after promising me he wouldnt replace me. yeah, guys. =_= so then i got a new crush at college. n i can say he was the first dude i ever confessed to. well my friends literally forced me into confessing to him but heck, i wouldnt’ve done it if i didnt love him frankly. but then again, i backed off. again. yeah curse this bad habit thingie. well it’s a long story n i dont wanna talk bout it. n so a few months after, when i finally moved on again, i met an awesome dude. same college, same course, but there was no chance for me to ever get close to him. n SUDDENLY, voila! i met one of his close friends. n i thought “yeay! i’ll finally get a chance to get bit closer the the awesomest dude in the world! xD” n i was right. well not literally right though. i did get to know quite a bit bout him through his close friend. n then suddenly my worst nightmare appears again. AGAIN. lol notice how many ‘again’s i wrote in this post? x) well back to the story. the nightmare. suddenly ANOTHER close friend to my crush, appeared out of the blue. n this time, SHE, was a girl. n we chatted pretty normally i guess. but somehow i kinda get the tiny signal she’s tryna show me. u know, the “i found him first” kinda signal. although we had a pretty nice, decent chat, i still feel guilty n frankly bit sad bout it. cuz now that i know that another girl out there is fighting her chances to win the awesomest dude in the world, how can i possibly stay in her way n give her the nightmare? right? THAT’s why i always back off. yes, THAT’s exactly why i always give in to sisters rivals. i cant stand knowing the fact that girls are crying their eyes out because her soft fragile heart is broken, because some bitch stole her man. n i know what it feels like to get heart aches. i know what it feels like to hurt urself because of love. n after what my stupid ex had done to me, i told myself i wouldnt ever wanna see any girl out there getting hurt because of love, too. ESPECIALLY when i’m the reason behind her tears. i do believe in karmas. i do believe in what goes around comes around. n that’s exactly why i always back off for other girls. for my friends. i dont enjoy it at all, heck no. but it’s what i have to do. sometimes it’s worth sacrificing ur own happiness to see others smile.

But sometimes i do wish i’ll get my turn to smile too. sigh. :’(